The Entropy of thoughts

So, I've been back to the land where I earn my paycheck. Yeah, you guessed it right. I'm back in Bangalore.

Till the time I was in hometown, I was thinking of shifting to a flat. And I had a necessary push as well. So finally i decided to pull the plug and get it fucking done.

Guess what, we got it fucking done! It is a task in itself to find an affordable flat in Bangalore in an area closer to your office.

Sometimes, I just lie awake thinking if I had never left Ranchi, how would things turn out to be? How would things go differently and in what direction?

Maybe my college life would've been different. Instead of dealing with these fucking idlis, i would be dealing with something else. Maybe, I'd get introduced to her family. Who knows? Who cares?

But you know there are times you just can't help but think. That's why I built this blog. To write about my thoughts. My thoughts, what ifs and all in between hidden perfectly in the plain sight of the fucking internet.

I honestly don't care if anyone reads it or finds out or whatever. I'm not disregarding the readers here. I'm just being blunt. Speaking of blunt, god if I could get one joint, it would make my day or morning. Whatever.

But you know I can't help but think about the different choices I should have made. Sometimes I can be a top tier chutiya. Sometimes I miss the dreadful pain of being ignored so much, it's actually comforting. But to state the truth, that shit used to break my heart every min of every day.

Maybe I should been a fucking lawyer. Idk. I never gave it a thought ever. But hey, I would atleast win my arguments.

Sometimes, I wonder what the fuck I would be doing if she hadn't broken up with me. It was the best and the worst moment of my life. I knew way before that I would be thinking about her for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about me. I know she used to do because I got her mail once. Would've replied very differently in some other uncaught circumstances. Would've politely told it none of her business anymore as she had her due time with it and she chose to spend it on people with more priorities in her life.

Well, people with more priorities in her life according to me. I know I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. Mistakes after mistakes. Repeatedly made same mistakes.

But you know even after all this time, I'd still say this

it was never meant to be. Post 2023, it was very fucking clear.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder what if I sacrificed more or kept my mouth shut. But at the end of the day, I would be hurting myself more. It would be like a poison building up and up and up. Maybe after a point, I'd just let it fucking go.

What's happened happened. No point in dwelling about it. Yeah I know it sounds fucking hypocritical because I'm writing this fucking blog 😂

I will make all the dreams I saw during that time come fucking true. As my last act of love, I will do it all. I remember it all too well. But one thing is for certain

Was it a gallery of trying or museum of failure? I will definitely miss all those fucking meaningless conversation starting with "pata hai aaj kya hua"...

This site is gonna be up till it die or beyond. Running this entire frontend + backend + DB on $0 production value. Only had to pay for domain, which I'll renew for the next 10 years, when I've endless money to throw at it.

At the end of the day, i will take it to my fucking grave. My only 2 regrets will be losing my mom too soon and then losing her.

Fuck it. Peace out